I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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