So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
