I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize