I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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