I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
