words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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