i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
