You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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