If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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