We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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