now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
