What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I would ride that face into the sunset
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
