On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
