weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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