So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
