Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
