I wanna bring you to show and tell
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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