Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
