I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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