If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
And then he peed in my hair
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