Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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