Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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