my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
