Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
