Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she told me i tasted like america
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
