When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
