i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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