Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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