then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize