That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
