Betty ford says i'm here all night
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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