2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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