From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
