I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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