I accidentally had phone sex last night
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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