I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
