Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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