6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
