dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
