i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
