In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
