LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
