Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
