at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
