I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
