Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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