Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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