as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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