I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
