Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
