My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
