When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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