I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So much rum. So many feels.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
