And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
