Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
