I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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