My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize