I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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