i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
