I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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