Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
