I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
