So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He passed out mid-signature
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
