A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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